TomVille eager for the return of the Miniskirt

An article in the Wall Street Journal today predicting the return of the Miniskirt sparked the interest of fashionistas and other interested parties from all over TomVille.

First Daughter TommySue hopes to ride this trend to new skirt heights in her effort to achieve stardom.

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Tom will issue an official state opinion blessed by the International Community on TomVille Tonight and Access TomVille.

 

 

 

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Alex, I’ll take Ukraine for $35

What did Vadimir PuTom say to Barack O’TomA?

Categories for Double Jeopardy: Sanctions, Tough Sanctions, Smart Sanctions, Diplomacy, John Kerry, International Community, Joe Biden

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What is all the fuss about U-Crane?

Why are John Kerry and Barack O’TomA spending so much time talking about a new Crane from Caterpillar, Inc.  It seems to be beneath their dignity to be shilling for CAT and it is talking time away from fund-raising.

Say what, you mean Ukraine?  I thought Vladimir Putin already took care of that problem.  You say he did, but forgot to tell John and Barack.

I am so confused.

 

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Lindsay Lohan is still America’s sweetheart

Thanks to Oprah and the classy folks at OWN, Lindsay Lohan is still America’s sweetheart.

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Letterman to retire: Top 10 reasons why Tom should replace him

With news that David Letterman plans to retire in 2015 from the Late Show on CBS, Tom has retooled the tired old Letterman bit with the Top 10 Reasons “Why Tom should replace Letterman”.

#10.  Like Letterman, Tom is willing to harass employees and have sexual trysts with young producers.

#9. Tom loves Barack O’TomA.

#8. Tom is willing to show “more” of the fabulously buxom 1st Daughter TommySue.

#7. Tom will not stray from the Democratic Party Talking Points.

#6. Tom is willing to retain tired old bits like this for 31 years.

#5. Tom loves Barack O’TomA.

#4. Tom thinks Double Breasted suits and sneakers are stylish.

#3. Tom is willing to make mean jokes about Sarah Palin, John McCain and George W. Bush long after they have left the current scene.

#2. Tom loves Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Chuck Schumer.

#1. Tom loves Barack O’TomA.

Speaking to reporters from TomVille Tonight, Tom confidently predicted, “I can get my ass kicked in the ratings by the Tonight Show just like Dave did. And by the way, who is Chelsea Handler?”

 

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Barack admits addiction to Selfies and will enter Rehab

Today, the world was shocked when in a teary eyed interview with Oprah, Barack O’TomA admitted that he had a Selfie addition and would enter a residential treatment program.  The addition first became noticeable when he hogged the Selfie shots with Hottie Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt while noted Vegetable Gardner Michele O’TomA gave him a pitchfork look.  Things came to a head when he hogged Selfies with Boston Red Sox slugger Big Papi.  Aides were worried that the next Selfies would be with the Clintons and a Cigar.

Barack announced that he would be entering the residential treatment program at Broken Promises Center in South TomVille lasting at least until November 2016.

This news came to a shock to Tom who in the past has organized interventions with economists and others to address Barack’s addictions to income inequality (which increased during his terms), $10.10 minimum wage (as his daughters start their careers at McDonalds), dissing George W. Bush and finally a severe addition to the sound of his own voice. Unfortunately, none of these critical interventions were successful.

Tom has just learned exclusively that Lindsay Lohan has been assigned as Barack’s coach for this 12 Step program at the Broken Promises. “Do you think I can get a Selfie with Lindsay before I check in?, pined Barack.

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In a PR coup, Tom hires Kenneth Feinberg to fix the problems at “Truth According to Tom”

Tom is facing unprecedented criticism and ridicule of the Blog, “Truth According to Tom”.  It has gotten so bad that posts have been recalled and Congressional Investigations have been launched.  Tom has responded with two bold steps.

First, Tom hired Kenneth Feinberg, the lawyer, who took on the dicey problems of the 9/11 Victims Fund, the BP Deepwater Horizon oil spill, the Boston Marathon bombing victims fund and the massive General Motors recall.  Nothing silences criticism faster than cash distributed quickly by Feinberg.

Second, seeing that Congress is reluctant to ambush a woman like GM CEO Mary Barra, Tom has appointed 1st Daughter and aspiring porn star, TommySue, to take the helm as CEO of “Truth According to Tom” for the duration of the crisis.

Take this haters.

“If you want to book TommySue for your next “Independent” movie, contact Tom ASAP”, roared Tom.

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Kim Jong Eun and Kim Tom Eun squeeze off Missiles on Spring Break

Emulating his hero Kim Jong Eun of North Korea, Kim Tom Eun used Spring Break from Barber College to fire a few missiles from the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of North TomVille into the waters of South TomVille.

Few understand the pressure that Kim Tom Eun feels to come up with innovative haircut designs and the academic rigors of Barber College.  Firing a few missiles really relieves the tension.

News outlets are reporting that Barack O’TomA had “hard words” for Kim Jong and Kim Tom.

“I really prefer this to X-Box”, said a rapid-firing Kim Tom.

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Bitco(i)n — Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

No sooner than Tom introduced the Bitcon in a blatant ripoff of the beloved Bitcoin, when he was hit by two imitators the Dogecoin and the Litecoin.  Where is the respect for product innovation?

Also how in the world was the IRS able to rule that the Bitcon was property in less time than it takes to review a Tea Party application?  I will pay a Million Bitcons for the answer to that one.

“Gotta love smart regulations”, cooed Barack O’TomA

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OBAMA TOP WORRY: NUKE BOMB NYC

“Los Angeles, O Well”

“We need to get Lindsay Lohan in a bomb shelter ASAP” cried a nervous Tom.

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