Tom rips People Magazine a new one over “World’s Most Beautiful” pick

Tom was outraged over People Magazine naming Lupita Nyong as the World’s Most Beautiful.  People cited her smile, fashion and Oscar.

Tom is wondering out loud how Nyong could trump 1st Daughter TommySue with her statuesque beauty and coming off the Adult Video News (AVN) award for Female Performer of the Year.

Tom just ordered all Liquor Stores in TomVille to pull People Magazine from sales racks.

 

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An ever unforgiving and vindictive Tom celebrates Square losing $100 Million in 2013

Most (actually none) of you will recall a scathing Blog post on Square dated September 12, 2013.  Square is a credit card payment system where small merchants hook the Square device on their smart phone and try to convince customer to go without a receipt or give up and email or text address to get a receipt.  In Tom’s encounter, the merchant was not well-trained on using Square.

I think the market is telling Square that they would rather not use this second-rate service.  This may be an even better outcome than unanimous induction into the Customer Service Hall of Shame.

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TomVille 1st Daughter upstages Chelsea Clinton Mezvinsky with bun in the oven announcement

Racing to the podium at the TomVille Global Initiative Conference was TomVille’s voluptuous 1st Daughter TommySue who announced that she has a bun in the oven and has started the process of elimination in naming the BabyDaddy.

This hasty announcement was necessary to preempt media hog Chelsea Clinton who was announcing that she and Hedge fund operative Marc Mezvinsky were expecting and that old Hillary would be flooding the airwaves with the news.

Clinton also announced in honor of her mother’s Re-Set with Russia that the baby’s Godfather would be Vladimir Putin.

Meanwhile Tom puzzled, “How did Chelsea Clinton Mezvinsky get the job as Vice-Chair of the Clinton Global Initiative?”

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TomVille eager for the return of the Miniskirt

An article in the Wall Street Journal today predicting the return of the Miniskirt sparked the interest of fashionistas and other interested parties from all over TomVille.

First Daughter TommySue hopes to ride this trend to new skirt heights in her effort to achieve stardom.

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Tom will issue an official state opinion blessed by the International Community on TomVille Tonight and Access TomVille.

 

 

 

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Alex, I’ll take Ukraine for $35

What did Vadimir PuTom say to Barack O’TomA?

Categories for Double Jeopardy: Sanctions, Tough Sanctions, Smart Sanctions, Diplomacy, John Kerry, International Community, Joe Biden

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What is all the fuss about U-Crane?

Why are John Kerry and Barack O’TomA spending so much time talking about a new Crane from Caterpillar, Inc.  It seems to be beneath their dignity to be shilling for CAT and it is talking time away from fund-raising.

Say what, you mean Ukraine?  I thought Vladimir Putin already took care of that problem.  You say he did, but forgot to tell John and Barack.

I am so confused.

 

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Lindsay Lohan is still America’s sweetheart

Thanks to Oprah and the classy folks at OWN, Lindsay Lohan is still America’s sweetheart.

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Letterman to retire: Top 10 reasons why Tom should replace him

With news that David Letterman plans to retire in 2015 from the Late Show on CBS, Tom has retooled the tired old Letterman bit with the Top 10 Reasons “Why Tom should replace Letterman”.

#10.  Like Letterman, Tom is willing to harass employees and have sexual trysts with young producers.

#9. Tom loves Barack O’TomA.

#8. Tom is willing to show “more” of the fabulously buxom 1st Daughter TommySue.

#7. Tom will not stray from the Democratic Party Talking Points.

#6. Tom is willing to retain tired old bits like this for 31 years.

#5. Tom loves Barack O’TomA.

#4. Tom thinks Double Breasted suits and sneakers are stylish.

#3. Tom is willing to make mean jokes about Sarah Palin, John McCain and George W. Bush long after they have left the current scene.

#2. Tom loves Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Chuck Schumer.

#1. Tom loves Barack O’TomA.

Speaking to reporters from TomVille Tonight, Tom confidently predicted, “I can get my ass kicked in the ratings by the Tonight Show just like Dave did. And by the way, who is Chelsea Handler?”

 

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Barack admits addiction to Selfies and will enter Rehab

Today, the world was shocked when in a teary eyed interview with Oprah, Barack O’TomA admitted that he had a Selfie addition and would enter a residential treatment program.  The addition first became noticeable when he hogged the Selfie shots with Hottie Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt while noted Vegetable Gardner Michele O’TomA gave him a pitchfork look.  Things came to a head when he hogged Selfies with Boston Red Sox slugger Big Papi.  Aides were worried that the next Selfies would be with the Clintons and a Cigar.

Barack announced that he would be entering the residential treatment program at Broken Promises Center in South TomVille lasting at least until November 2016.

This news came to a shock to Tom who in the past has organized interventions with economists and others to address Barack’s addictions to income inequality (which increased during his terms), $10.10 minimum wage (as his daughters start their careers at McDonalds), dissing George W. Bush and finally a severe addition to the sound of his own voice. Unfortunately, none of these critical interventions were successful.

Tom has just learned exclusively that Lindsay Lohan has been assigned as Barack’s coach for this 12 Step program at the Broken Promises. “Do you think I can get a Selfie with Lindsay before I check in?, pined Barack.

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In a PR coup, Tom hires Kenneth Feinberg to fix the problems at “Truth According to Tom”

Tom is facing unprecedented criticism and ridicule of the Blog, “Truth According to Tom”.  It has gotten so bad that posts have been recalled and Congressional Investigations have been launched.  Tom has responded with two bold steps.

First, Tom hired Kenneth Feinberg, the lawyer, who took on the dicey problems of the 9/11 Victims Fund, the BP Deepwater Horizon oil spill, the Boston Marathon bombing victims fund and the massive General Motors recall.  Nothing silences criticism faster than cash distributed quickly by Feinberg.

Second, seeing that Congress is reluctant to ambush a woman like GM CEO Mary Barra, Tom has appointed 1st Daughter and aspiring porn star, TommySue, to take the helm as CEO of “Truth According to Tom” for the duration of the crisis.

Take this haters.

“If you want to book TommySue for your next “Independent” movie, contact Tom ASAP”, roared Tom.

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