Are Sports fair? by Barack “Big Regulation” Obama

Is it fair that the Packers beat the Bears in the NFC Championship game this year?  Is it fair that the last time the Cubs won the World Series was 1908?  Is it fair that some Free Agents are productive and others aren’t?  Is it fair that two players with the same batting average get paid different salaries?  Is it fair that fan favorites get paid better than sullen superstars?  Is it fair that Presidents get to choose pickup basketball players with slight less ability than him?

Of course it isn’t fair and it is ruining competitiveness.  The American people won’t stand for it.  All right thinking Americans except for far right-wing Republicans demand action.  We need change.  We need smart regulations to be sure that there is an even playing field and that every possible aspect of the game are covered by rules and regulations.  We must stamp out players trying to get an edge especially a psychological edge.  All players and front office staff salaries must be reviewed for fairness.  I have appointed Ken Fineberg to be in charge of this as soon as he completes his work on 911, executive salaries in TARP companies and Gulf oil claims.  He should be able to take charge of this office sometime in 2098.

I have directed the Departments of Justice and all Federal Commissions to sue all parties whenever there is a hint of unfairness.

I have asked Vice President Joe Biden to head up the effort of the new Fairness in Sports Agency.

Olympics in Chicago in 2036 !!!

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7 Responses to Are Sports fair? by Barack “Big Regulation” Obama

  1. John Erickson says:

    On the Olympics and getting the Bears into the SuperBowl, a big “Hell Yeah!”, as the country song goes. But I have to argue with you about the Cubs, and you know I love my Cubbies! I’ve spoken to my brother-in-law, a religious scholar who fluently speaks ancient Latin, Greek, Hebrew, and a few dozen others. It turns out there’s a lost text to Revelations – if the Cubs win the World Series, the world ends. No Heaven. no Hell, just *poof* and everything, including God, disappears. For the sake of my fellow man, I must ask you, despite my adoration of my Wrigley boys, to PLEASE not investigate getting the Cubs to the World Series. This universe, despite all its’ flaws, is all we’ve got, and I’d hate to see the thing go *poof*.

    • tom says:

      So Steve Bqartman really saved the world

    • John Erickson says:

      And now, to declare to you and the world at large just how ignorant I am.
      WHO THE &#%* IS STEVE BARTMAN?

      • tom says:

        The Steve Bartman incident occurred during a Major League Baseball playoff game between the Chicago Cubs and the Florida Marlins on October 14, 2003 at Wrigley Field in Chicago.

        In the eighth inning of Game 6 of the National League Championship Series, with Chicago ahead 3-0 and holding a 3 games to 2 lead in the best of 7 series, several spectators attempted to catch a foul ball off the bat of Marlins’ second baseman Luis Castillo. One of the fans, Steve Bartman, touched the ball once it crossed into the stands, disrupting a potential catch by Cubs outfielder Moisés Alou. If Alou had caught the ball, it would have been the second out in the inning, and the Cubs would have been just four outs away from winning the National League pennant. Instead, the Cubs relinquished the lead that inning and then lost the game. When they were eliminated in the seventh game the next day, the “Steve Bartman incident” was seen as the turning point of the series.[1]

        In the aftermath of the incident, Bartman, a lifelong Cubs fan, had to be escorted from the stadium by security guards, and received police protection for a time when his name and address were made public on MLB message boards.

      • John Erickson says:

        Okay, soon as you laid out the situation I remembered. See, we Chicagoans practised a form of mass amnesia. Otherwise, we would have held a celebrity roast, with Bartman as the celebrity. And real charcoal for the roast. Me, I would’ve provided the spit – I had at least 2 friends in the SCA who had old spears I could’ve used. Spear – the cure for sinus congestion and constipation all in one. Just bend over……
        And no, that waste of carbon compounds didn’t save the Universe. It’s why I call the Cubs the Origami team. They can fold in the MOST intricate patterns. One year (I forget which) I believe they actually replicated Notre Dame (in France, not the University with the golden boobs in South Bend, Indiana).

      • tom says:

        Bartmann is a hero to White Sox fans.

      • John Erickson says:

        Yes, but since White Sox fans are a form of life just beneath that of what you scrape off your shoe, we North-siders refuse to recognise ANY emotion from ANYONE south of Madison Street. (Except that of “Let’s have another” on St. Patrick’s Day. Beer transcends EVERYTHING.) 😉

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