In a stirring and stem winding address to the graduates of TomVille State University (TSU), Tom laid out the secrets of life.
Before launching his formal remarks, Tom effusively praised the graduating class for the use of their student fees to support the football team. A school is known by its football team. He told the crowd, that if anybody did become successful, that he developed a laundry list of athletic facilities improvements needed and included the list with their diplomas.
Launching right into his speech, Tom said “Ask not what you can do for your country”. First and foremost do not serve in the military. Military service is not for the graduates of TSU or even TomVille University (TU). Military service is reserved for graduates of TomVille A & M, residents of Southern TomVille, right-wing nuts and members of the Church of Tom. Graduates must learn that if they do encounter a service member, do not engage in eye contact, say “Thank You for Your Service” and move on as quickly as possible. Also do not engage in volunteerism but rather strive to work for a non-profit that offers a oursized pay package.
But the heart of the speech was “Ask what your country can do for you” The first step is to immediately start the process of defaulting on student loans. With that out of the way, it may be necessary to start small with welfare, food stamps, Section 8 housing, SSI etc.
Next work your way up to generous green subsidizes for purchasing ultra luxury electric vehicles such as the Tesla Model S, buying refrigerators, installing new windows.
While all this is good, it is eventually necessary for graduates to step up their game and go where the real resources are such as agricultural subsidies, business start-up subsidies and loans and grants for green startups. Here you can pay yourself enormous salaries until the loans run out and then just declare bankruptcy.
Finally Tom ended on a sentimental note. He finished his address choked up by saying”I have full confidence that you will take full advantage of this largess. I am so proud.”.
Gowns designed by Col. Moammar Gadhafi