Shocking Report: Women’s Breasts Need Fondling

A report was just issued that estimates that over 90% of U.S. women go to sleep each night without having their breasts fondled in the last 24 hours.  Experts attribute this deficit to a myriad of reasons including time pressures caused by family, school, work and shopping.   Others cite breast implants that aren’t natural or are so big that a potential fondler doesn’t have time to carefully and slowly fondle each every last inch of these massive breasts.

 Many women are actually aware of the problem but are reluctant to take action. Economists cite the laws of supply and demand.  For example, for some celebrities such as Britney Spears, there is a huge demand from men and women who want to fondle her big bountiful fleshy breasts as they see them daily.  However, she is only one woman and is unable to slack this insatiable demand to fondle her breasts.   On the other hand there is an immense supply of girls next door with equally interesting breasts who are in dire need of fondling.  We need to get the supply/demand curve in balance. One overlooked avenue to solve this problem is for women to enlist the help of strangers who may be reluctant to make the first approach.  Women might approach someone they see and ask them “Could you please fondle my breasts for 4 minutes?”.  This is just a suggested time as some women might require more time and some less.  For example, a woman whose breasts were kissed and fondled for all of the previous night might need just a minute of fondling to top them off and retain the buzz.  Conversely, a woman who is in dire need as it has been well in excess of the 24 hour guideline since last being fondled might require 10 minutes of fondling to get to a state of euphoria.  Or if time is of the absolute essence, it may be necessary to discretely  place on hand on the woman’s ass as sometimes the combination can stimulate the breasts being fondled thereby reducing the total time necessary. If necessary, the fondling time could be extended by the mutual consent of both parties.

If women adopt this tactic, it may be necessary to train police officers to take a more relaxed approach as sometimes the fondling of the breasts can result in more brazen forms of public displays of affection. However it must be remembered that fondling is not groping and it can be done unobtrusively for very long periods of time even in the public square. Also one must remember when you say yes to a woman’s request to fondle their breasts. you must mean yes.  The rule is that yes always means yes in these situations. Congress plans hearings shortly on this urgent issue.  Liberals seem to prefer a regulatory approach with women logging in each and every incident of breast fondling noting if it was by friends, lovers, strangers, partners or themself.  Government monitors, police and deputized volunteers could stop women at random and review their log to see if they have been fondled within 24 hours and if not to require that they submit a plan to increase fondling incidents.  Conservatives tend to favor incentives and tax based approaches.  For example one might earn tax credits or tax deductions based on the cumulative number of fondlings provided within the tax year.  For lower-income fondlers, they may receive a direct payment tax credit. The President declared that if we can put a man on the moon we can put a hand on every woman’s breast within 10 years.

One area where all agree there is a need for regulation is in the area of a woman’s dress.  If the top shows the nipple, the outline of the nipple or shows serious cleavage, strangers must be given the option to approach the woman and ask if there is an urgent need for fondling.  Remember these regulations would not affect the rule that yes always means yes. While some of the ideas are still controversial, there appears to be a consensus around two ideas.  One is that we need a massive education program to alert to public about the magnitude of the problem and the possible solutions that government and individuals can take immediately  Second, we need to amend  Good Samaritan laws so that if stranger sees a woman whose breasts are in dire, obvious and immediate need of fondling that they can’t be later sued if the interval since the last fondling proves to be slightly less that the suggested 24 hour interval.  Finally, there must be a prima facie assumption that the appearance of big beautiful breasts on a woman are sufficient to prove that the woman is of the age of consent to ask for and/or say yes to having her breasts fondled. The benefits to women and society of these modest proposals are extraordinary.  Women will be less anxious, more fulfilled, more aroused, more satisfied and more certain that their needs will be met within the required time frame either by their own hand or by the hand of others. Pictures can tell a thousand words in listing the benefits.

                                                                                                                                                                      

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