With a final term paper due comparing and contrasting Boyfriend and Mom Jeans. Could it just be who is wearing them? Can Moms wear Boyfriend Jeans when they are looking for a boyfriend? Who told Tom that a fashion major was easy?
“This question has me coming and going” mused Tom
The Tom is pleading with special prosecutor Robert Mueller to investigate Moscow Mule Cups for poisons and evidence of The Donald colluding with the Russians.
The cups could be dangerous and if it sounds Russian, it could be collusion.
We have had 45 Presidents and never before has anybody leaked their confidential telephone call transcripts with foreign leaders.
Has the vitriol for this President overtaken common sense and the law? What are the odds of getting others to be candid on future telephone calls?
Do the ends justify any means?
With Anthony Scaramucci out as Communications Director, The Tom asks why not me. I have already forgotten my cursing lessons.
With prodding from his mentor Anthony Scaramucci, The Tom is working feverishly to salt his speech with more salty language. This seems to be the only way to rise above the din.
Tom will be joining such legendary four mouths as Bill and Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John Kerry, Joe Biden and Lyndon Johnson.
“Who in the F*** let Hillary into the locker room? She will melt us all with her language.”, bellowed Tom.
With the news that Kayne West and Kim KardASSian’s surrogate is pregnant, the people want to know who the surrogate is and have turned to Tom Enquirer.
In an exclusive, The Tom reveals that the surrogate is none other than the trash talking, hard drinker and country music wanna be First Daughter TommySue.
Knowledgeable experts say TommySue’s backside is growing as fast as her front side. She will be changing her name to TommySue KardASSian and will be prominently in next season’s episodes.
Right after the Democrats unveiled their new slogan, “Better Deal”. The Tom noticed that 50% of the slogan was plagiarized from The Donald’s “Art of the Deal”.
This is the biggest plagiarism scandal since Melania Trump had some similar lines in a Convention speech to those written for Michele O’TomA.
Cue the Special Prosecutor as The Tom says the new Democratic Slogan may be the work of Vlad “The Bad” Putin and the Russians.
After biting his lip for over 6 months, The Tom unloaded on Rank Member Adam Schiffless in language he is uniquely qualified to understand.
The Tom said he can’t discuss the evidence, but Schiffless and his colleagues in the Clinton Campaign may have colluded with the Russians. While not able to discuss the evidence where there is smoke there MAY BE fire. Schiffless may have met with Russians and may have had business dealings with Russians in the past. While this may not be illegal, it needs to be investigated and given maximum media exposure.
Also anonymous sources speaking off the record indicate Schiffless may have indulged in the forbidden three : Russian Rye, Russian Dressing and a White Russian.
Moving at incredible speed, The Tom preempted Rank Member Adam Schiffless and banned Russian Rye before Schiffless could even start one of his innuendo campaigns.
Tom said the evidence for the ban had nothing to do with Donald Jr.’s meeting with the Russians and all about the product. The cellophane wrap is difficult to seal and unseal. The little sticker loses sticking before the loaf is finished. The first few slices don’t fit into the toaster and the last few are too small to toast. We don’t know where the bakery is.
“Let’s make Rye great again”, roared The Tom
Courtesy of Rank Member Adam Schiffless, King of Innuendo, the manufacture transport, sale and consumption of Russian Dressing is banned effectively immediately.
Schiffless said that we need to further investigate Russian Dressing and let the chips fall were they may. z”I am not saying that if collusion, but if there is smoke there could ber fire: said Schiffless.
The Tom encourages people to drive over the border to TomVille where supplies of Russian Dressing are plentiful.