FIFA’s Sepp Blatter Red Cards Tom’s corner kick for bribes

“Tom lauds Barack O’TomA for his inspired choice of Loretta Lynch as AG who opened Tom’s eyes to the availability of huge seams of bribery cash available through the auspices of the International Soccer Association FIFA.

As one who appreciates high living and 5-Star hotels and restaurants, Tom is ready, willing and able to join the Sepp Blatter team at FIFA.

I see Qatar as a permanent site for all future World Cup games” mumbled Tom between heaping spoonfuls of Caviar.

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Carbon Big Foot Barack hectors Coast Guard Academy grads on Climate Change

Barack O’TomA a known carbon glutton (Air Force One 747, Big Breast Limo and a flotilla of huge SUVs ) gave the Coast Guard Academy Commencement speech where he told a number of Climate Change whoppers including Global Warming as a contributor to the Syrian Civil War.

It is all about the Science, Baby.

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David Letterman — Is he finally gone?

Is it safe to come out of hiding?  Has David Letterman mercifully passed from the scene?  Stupid Pet Tricks and Top Ten Lists zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.   Last known  creative idea surfaced 30 years ago.  He still thinks mean Sarah Palin jokes are funny.

 

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Tom Family Foundation and Global Initiative shakes down Stephanopoulos

What a Gold Mine.  The Tom family Foundation and Global Initiative is the gift that keeps on giving.  With the revelation that ABC media star and former Clinton Administration spin master George Stephanopoulos “contributed” $50,000 to the Clinton Foundation, Tom moved swiftly to get a matching contribution from the suddenly generous Stephanopoulos.  Tom said that there was no truth to the rumor that Tom promised to glorify Stephanopoulos and ABC is exchange.

Who knew that with all the Communications majors cranked out by our college and universities that the only person ABC could find to hire was Stephanopoulos.

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Tiger Woody: Good-Bye Lindsey, Well Hello Rachael (again)

Just hours after washed up golfer Tiger Woody broke up with Lindsey Vonn, Rachael Uchitel announced that she dumped former Baseball player Bret Boone and would consider the Woodster.

In the past when hooking up with Uchitel, Tiger had his best stroke on and off the course.  Here is to rediscovering the magic.  Sure beats a Sports Psychologist.

Evidently Tiger woody prefers swimmers to skiers.

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Apple exploits early 19th Century technology and laughs all the way to the bank

Tweaking the Breguet wristwatch invented in 1812. Apple is hawking the “new” Apple watch  With about $24 in materials to produce as starting prices close to $400, Apple and Steve Jobs clone Tim Cook are laughing all the way to the bank.

 

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Tesla exploits early 20th Century technology and government subsidies to laugh all the way to the bank

Co-opting early 20th Century technology from Baker Electric Cars and generous government subsidies, Elon Musk and Tesla Motor Cars has found the sweet spot in fleecing the middle class.  Government subsidies transfer hard-earned middle class income paid as taxes directly into the pockets of the top 5% who can afford these $100,000 cars and reap the government subsidies.

We are fighting for you.

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“Wan to buy a hyperloop?” whispered Elon

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Tom spots Smartphone trend and gears up to meet demand

Tom has analyzed the long-term trends that so far has culminated in the Apple iPhone and the Samsung Galaxy 6 models that feature ever bigger screens.  Taking the trend to its logical conclusion Tom has created and will soon be marketing the Tom Smartphone Brick. Early adopters can start lining up now to get your order in.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting the tom iBrick 2.0 with the dropped call feature.  Whenever a conversation becomes uncomfortable or boring, just click the dropped call button and hang up.  If the person calls back.  blame it on a dropped call.” enthused Tom.

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Tom Family Foundation and Global Initiative: “Mistakes were made”

With the controversies surrounding the mountains of cash collected by the Tom Family foundation and Global Initiative, the betting line in Vegas is that we are less than a week away from Tom issuing the famous apology, “Mistakes were made”.

In a staff meeting Tom reviewed some of the mistakes.  All financial records for the Foundation should have been stored on the server in Tom’s residence in TomVille.  Then these records should have been dumped along with Yoga class appointments etc.  There should have been better screening of staff as this smacks of a “vast right-wing conspiracy”.  Tom should have called for even greater transparency as the records were dumped.  We should have featured a Bikini clad surgically enhanced First Daughter TommySue in responses rather than a tired aging Mrs. Tom.

Finally, Tom failed to recognize that all these problems were the fault of George W. Bush.

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Will Tom date Bruce Jenner?

It all depends if he can get a turn on “Keeps Up With the Kardashians” and make a play for Khloe.

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