The Tom is accepting suggestions for problems only he can solve — Urgent

Fresh from UNITING the country by DIVIDING the men from the women, the rich from the poor, the blacks from the whites, the coasts from the center of the country, the legal immigrants from the illegal immigrants, the workers from the owners,  those who want $15/hour from those who want more, business owners from workers, the upper middle class from the middle class, abortion advocates from abortion objectors, gays from straights and Patriots from Eagles while simultaneously solving the stock market problem, The Tom is eager to move on to new challenges.

The Tom knows that the next most pressing problem is seating Hillary as President.  But beyond that most worthy cause, The Tom requires your help by using the comment section below to identify problems that only The Tom can solve.  Could it be a duel between Adam Schiff-less and Vlad Putin or some thing even more onerous?

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The Donald calls on Super Hero Stock Market Whisperer, The Tom

Feeling the vibes coming from Mar-a-Lago, The Tom knew that he needed to save the nation from a stock market debacle that was sure to be blamed on the Big Guy.

Quickly slipping on his green eye shade visor and high waist, high water trousers, The Tom immediately sprung into action placing Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Larry Page and Mark Zuckerberg under house arrest in a underutilized The Tom Tower.  Net only are they responsible for great wealth, they have unleashed an army of Fed-Ex and UPS trucks on our neighborhoods,  Plus they appear to be the only identified villains in the  Russian Collusion investigation.

As the word spread the markets stabilized, 401 (k) regained value and Burnie Sanders took aim at the villains noted above.

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The Tom coaches The Pope on how to deny

After Pope Francis denied receiving a 8 page letter on the misdeeds of a Chilean Bishop, he retained the Master of Denial, The Tom, as his new PR consultant.  The Tom had The Pope chanting the Nancy Reagan mantra.  “Just Say No”.

“Haven’t I blistered The Donald for something like this?” pondered The Pope.

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Who prepared the vile Tom Dossier?

Are all Dossiers as vile as  The Tom Dossier?

[ˈdôsēˌā, ˈdäsēˌā]

a collection of documents about a particular person, event, or subject:
“we have a dossier on him” · [more]
synonyms: file · report · case history · account · notes · document(s) · documentation · data · information · evidence

Who was the source of this vile collection?  Was it old bitter rivals like Barack O’TomA or Hillary Rodman Clinton?  Or was it new opportunists like Maxine Waters or Adam Schiff-less?  Or is it the deep state headed by Jimmy Comey or Robert Mueller?

Of course anybody who really knows The Tom suspect that he authored The Dossier as The Diversion.

This Dossier is so vile that in one place it even accused The Tom of helping an elderly woman across the street.

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Tom slays Gender Inequality problem

Leave it to Tom to solve big problems with little meaningless gesturers.  Last night, The Tom solved any ad all gender inequality problems by wearing a white rose.

“The Tom is so Authentic”, whispered his fan/mom.

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BREAKING NEWS: Nine months ago, The Tom did not fire The Mueller

Yesterday I was treated to Breaking News which was a story that 9 months ago The Donald didn’t fire The Mueller on the advice of his Attorney.

How can a non story from 9 months ago be declared Breaking News.  At best it was Broken News.  It is impossible to prove a negative.

Now that I have that off my chest I can go back to producing Fake News.

cc-  Mark Zuckerberg

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Tom breaks Popper Joggers fashion news

Tom has learned exclusively that Kylie Jenner will be introducing a line of “Popper Jogger Tops”.  “The ease and speed of the Popper Jogger Top are amazing.  Just pop the top and you are admiring my surgically perfected Double DDs.” gushed Kylie.


BUMBAGS, berets, small sunglasses and now ‘popper joggers’ have managed to transport themselves from the nineties to the present day. While trousers that opened at the side with a simple (or sexy) rip were once just found in the wardrobes of male strippers, they were an everyday staple back in the nineties. And now, twenty […]

via Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and Rihanna reignite the 90s Adidas ‘Popper Jogger’ trend… but is this a look that should jog off? — The Irish Sun

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Dumb Truck

No, the Headline is not a typo where the magnificent The Hill reams The Tom a new one.  But rather it is from a commercial flooding the airways in the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of California that asks  “Is your truck smart enough for California?”

Is it even possible for any truck to be too dumb for California.  Does a truck understand gas prices over $1/gallon more than the US average?  Does any truck understand that millionaires driving Teslas are not paying to maintain the roads while they outsource their pollution to electricity generating plants?

It would take a pretty Dumb Truck.

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CA battles agains itself in Secondhand Smoke wars

Nightly the residents of the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of California are bombarded by commercials about the dangers of secondhand tobacco smoke and how it even penetrates walls.  At the same time the State sponsored Marijuana is all over the news with PR pieces extolling the virtues of Marijuana.

Just what makes Secondhand or even Firsthand marijuana smoke superior to Tobacco smoke?  And do the branding experts think that re-branding Marijuana as Cannabis makes lighting up patriotic?

“Shut up and keep counting the cash” bellowed The Tom from his Pot Shop in the bowels of Hellflower.  “This is so Groovy” cooed TommySue.

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Forces loyal to Mueller and Clinton rolling into Hellflower says Tom Times*

Forces loyal to Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller and sore loser Hillary Rodman Clinton are rolling out of the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of California and  have entered Hellflower destined to arrest The Tom in Tom Tower in the heart of TomVille.

Mueller and Clinton are convinced that Fake New posting on Facebook by Hellflower entities constitutes collusion as defined by Adam Schiffless.

Will we next see The Tom doing the Perp Walk surrounded by Schiffless’ forces in Toyota Pick-ups.

*Tom Times –  still your Number 1 source for Fake News.

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